Lex Culinaria: Best frigging sandwich in the whole world

I don't know about you, but I tend to assign catchy names to my (and my girlfriends') ex-boyfriends. Let's see.... There's Gold Card Gord, who thought everything in the world, including respect, could be bought with a gold card. Crapping Chris, who used my bathroom when he came to pick me up for our first (and last) date and left a surprise for me floating in my toilet. How romantic. There was also Clingy Swiss Guy who, on our second (also last) date, burst into tears because he didn't know "where this is going".

Clearly charmers, the whole lot of them. Especially Gold Card Gord, who asked me very kindly to collect his drycleaning for him on my way home from the hospital from my chemotherapy injection. What a gentleman.

None of them, however, were anything compared to Vanilla Blinds Gary. Yep. Gary's his real name. I feel no need to protect Vanilla Blinds Gary's identity.

Vanilla Blinds Gary and I had a whirlwind romance. Spent every waking (non-working) moment together. Never mind that Gary was a little rough around the edges. Never mind that he had an offensively chauvinistic older brother and father, both of whom treated their wives like crap ... He was nothing like them of course. He was sweet. He was charming.

Then we moved in together.

And I found out that VBG was a lazy chauvinistic 27-year old buffoon who called his mummy for money when he'd spent all his.

Why was he calling his mummy for money? Because he wanted spending money for booze and fun when he went on his 10-day sailing trip around the Whitsunday islands on the Great Barrier Reef. Why did he have no beer money of his own? I haven't the foggiest, because, you see, I'd paid all the rent and all the bills and bought all the furniture and groceries. I have no idea what he spent his money on. You can tell where this is going, I'm sure. Why I couldn't at the time is beyond me.

On one particularly hot summer afternoon, during the last days of our relationship, Vanilla Blinds Gary and I lay sprawled on our two sofas in our underwear. It was a scorcher of a Melbourne summer day - close to 40 degrees. The back wall of our condo unit was all glass, and the apartment building next door looked right down into our living room. Next door guy was washing his dishes under the kitchen window, which looked directly into our suite.

Vanilla Blinds Gary, upon seeing that we were being watched, rolled on his side, opened his mouth and killed what was left of our relationship...

Vanilla Blinds Gary: "I suppose we should close the vanilla blinds."

Lex: "the what?"

Vanilla Blinds Gary: "The vanilla blinds. We should close them."

Lex: "I'm sorry... Did you say, "vanilla blinds"?"

Vanilla Blinds Gary: "Yeah. That guy next door is doing his dishes and he can see right in."

Lex: "Um. I think you might have meant "venetian"?"

Vanilla Blinds Gary: "You just think you're so smart. I'm sick of you thinking you're smarter than me. Just because you're a lawyer and you make more money than me doesn't mean you're smarter than me, you know."

Lex: "???"

That's why he's called Vanilla Blinds Gary. Other possible names were Gary the Leech or That Angry Wanker.

Lest you think I have nothing but criticism and derision to offer as regards Gary I will relate to you the one and only good thing that came of our relationship.

He made me The Sandwich once.

The Sandwich involves:

good crusty bread
mashed avocado (poss. with a squeeze of lemon)
mayonnaise
smoked Cheddar (VGB's wasn't smoked...I made the sandwich better!)
cold roasted chicken

Even better if you lightly toast the bread with the cheese perched on top to get all melty.

Trust me. There is no other sandwich. Just like there's no other Vanilla Blinds Gary. Unless you count Cheap-Ass Rossy. But that's another story.

Comments

Oh...I'm laughing. I really am.

At least you got a sandwich out of the relationship...

I have my ex-boyfriend, the Ex-Boyfriend. So called because he sang/played guitar in a band called The Ex-Boyfriends...so named, allegedly, because all three guys (at some time) had dated the same gilr.

I don't think I got anything out of that relationship...no, wait! He did give me all his vinyl. I suppose that counts for something.

Posted by: Stephanie | September 18, 2005 at 10:31 PM

Thank you for this funny story ;)

Posted by: Clea | September 18, 2005 at 11:58 PM

i think you are mistaken in thinking there is only one VBG, but luckily there was only one for you. nice of him to leave the sarnie :)

stephanie--so he gave you...the seats to the band van?

Posted by: santos. | September 19, 2005 at 12:04 AM

Yum.. sounds almost exactly like a sandwich I made with leftover chicken not too long ago..

Except I didn't have any cheese and I mixed in some minced up chipotles and adobo sauce into the may for a kick.

Posted by: Don | September 19, 2005 at 01:16 AM

How do you make a vanilla blind?
A vanilla blind?
A vanilla blind.
You mean venetian blind?
Yes.
What was the question?
How do you make a venetian blonde?
Shouldn't that be blind?
What?
The venetian?
Who?
The blind venetian. How do you make one?
Why would he need them?
What?
The blinds.
The blinds?
We'll it's not like he's going to be looking out the window or anything.
But if he were blonde instead.
But he's not.
But you said he was.
[to be continued]